Thursday, October 30, 2014

Day 11

We all may be looking at different colors. 

Since you were born, someone told you that the color you were looking at was, for instance, blue. So the color in your head is blue. But what if the color you actually see is red. But since someone told you it is blue since the day you were born, you call red, blue. The same could be true for every color you see. The color you call green could be pink, or orange could be purple. The same could be true for all of us. And there is no way we could ever prove otherwise.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Day 10

Art by Christopher Winter
You can tell what kind of person someone is by the kind of pet they have. It is almost as accurate as a horoscope.
Dogs—Anyone who likes dogs is a nice person. Anyone who likes owning a dog is an idiot. They also like things like cooking and having people over for Thanksgiving. They don’t mind cleaning up and have a stronger stomach than others. They are afraid of the dark and of being alone. They believe in God and the Devil. They do not think much. They are matter-of-fact. They are dull.
Cat—Cat people are selfish. They are either interesting or crazy. The more cats you have, the crazier you are. Unless you have outside mousers. They can also see different colors than your average person. They are either interested in fashion or witchcraft. They have a hidden affinity for the occult. Anyone who owns a cat is slightly influenced by the devil because cats are familiars of evil. If you wake up a cat-lover unexpectedly their eyes will glow.
Fish—Fish owners are technical and possibly engineers or scientists. Or kids. Adults do not have fish unless they have a poor sex life. They can also be hard to figure out and slippery characters. Doctor’s and dentist’s offices do not apply here.
Lizards—People who like lizards like guns—and maybe knives. They may have or want to get tattoos. They think they’re special and do not care much about getting sick. They are loners and have good hearing. They may have more facial hair than average. They may drive a truck.
Birds—Bird owners either have no feelings or feel too much. Men who like birds that talk have the same type of issues as men who like ventriloquist dummies. Women who like birds like flowers and fancy themselves as better than everyone else. Sometimes they are right. Bird owners have a higher IQ than the general public.
Hamsters, gerbils and mice—These pets are usually for kids. No comment on the kids that own them. Adults that own them are weird.
Rats—People who own rats think they are very interesting. They think people look at them in awe and wonder how they can make their rat act so nice—even if the rat is not nice. They usually have some piercings or tattoos, like lizard people, and like heavy metal music and dress in black.
Ferrets—Owning a ferret usually means you are devious and a bit snippy. Sometimes very snippy. You are a bit of an oddball. You don’t like to read very much. You like TV. And you get the TV Guide delivered to your house—that kind of counts as a book.
Horses—People that own horses think they are free spirits and in touch with the earth. They may be rich, or are trying to act rich. They like to be the center of attention and may have big teeth and big smiles. They own too many cars and don’t mind traveling a far distance to get a good cup of coffee.
Snakes—There is just something wrong with people who have snakes for pets. Especially poisonous ones. And now you are going to read this and get mad that I said there is something wrong with you. If there wasn’t anything wrong with you, you would just ignore that statement.
Bugs, spiders, cockroaches and the like—Just like snakes. Something wrong with you.

There are people with no pets at all. They are probably the smartest people.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Day 9

If you are afraid the devil is near, stomp on the ground and yell GO AWAY DEVIL! 

But most of the time he won't leave, so you keep holy water in your kitchen cabinet.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Day 8

Your favorite candy store is within walking distance of your house, but you are still too little to walk there alone. The sun burnt the world to white and the weather is beautiful. You get in the car with everyone and dad drives. 

You have some money and the man behind the counter gives you a bag so you have a place for all your goodies. Once you even got a cherry Chapstick and half an English muffin at the fountain. You get to choose from the 7,000 different kinds of candy in every color of the rainbow. You learned the funniest joke in the world there about a guy with a wooden leg. Then you all got back in the car and as you were pulling out of the driveway you saw a little girl standing all alone and still on the corner. She had a Casper the Friendly Ghost mask on, and she may have been holding some money.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Day 7

I see pictures of families with a mom and dad together, with several brothers and many sisters and everyone is smiling. They are never alone and I get jealous. I have a feeling of loss because I don’t have that. But the back of me doesn’t want that. The tarnished side of me doesn’t want what I have. 

I want to be my own person and not have ties to anyone. I want to be able to leave when I want…I don’t want to have to care for something—not something simple like a job or a garden—but something that needs to be cared for constantly.
It is the most horrible thing I can think of. I don’t want to care about anyone’s happiness. I don’t want to care if they are hurt. I don’t want to have to give a shit if they are hungry or tired or failing. I want to pop in the party and leave, in my own car, when the fun is over. 

And believe me, it has been over for longer than I can remember. 

Jobs can be hard and they can require long hours and intense concentration. But nothing is more consuming and repulsive than a crying baby. “But it will be so much different taking care of it when it is yours.” Well I’ve got news for you. It is NOT. It is not different—well maybe it is. It’s 10,000 times worse. Because now YOU have to figure out what the fuck is wrong and YOU have to listen to it and YOU can’t sleep and it’s YOU who is never NOT tired again. But if you don’t figure out what is wrong, it never ever, ever, ever stops. So you wake up again and again and you wonder if the jail time for murder would be worth it. But Oh, the baby is so adorable! The most beautiful thing anyone has ever seen—and it is. And your husband can’t figure why you are such an idiot. Why can’t you like this like everyone else? The baby is perfect and healthy and beautiful and you should be ashamed of yourself. 

And you are. You are. You are. 

And now every hour seems like five hours and you do anything to get through the day. You walk and walk around the neighborhood dozens of times and you get so skinny and now you look so good. Oooo…you are a skinny-mini! How do you do it?! We are impressed. 

The woman around the corner with the nasty dogs asks how you are when you are out walking one day, and she tells you that having a baby is very isolating. Now you can’t stop crying for days and days and every day turns into every other day. Your husband is going golfing for a week with his friends. It does not matter because you don’t remember who he is anyway. When the baby naps for a long time you wonder if he is dead. Part of you hopes that he is dead. So that makes you a monster and why would anyone ever want to be near you or be your friend again. And it’s not the baby's fault—he is so beautiful after all. Perfect, really. So you feel sorry that you are his mother and you are going to ruin him. And you do.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Day 6

The sunny days are the worst. 

If you don’t put on your shorts and lip gloss and make plans to eat at the bistro at noon, you will seem so dull. But you ARE so dull. Someone has taken sandpaper and dulled your shine to powder. Smiling is now an obscene thing. The corners of your mouth stretch and stretch and if you growl just a little bit, they will have to put you in the zoo. Or call a priest. 

Now you have to fight with yourself because if you let yourself fall completely into the rainy days you may never get out. Then there is the question of wanting to get out. You walk the fence. One side is flowers and spring and Easter eggs and white gloves that your mom won’t let you wear because you might get them dirty. On the other side of the fence is endless sitting and thinking and your thoughts so black and thick making you not want to get up anyway, but at least no one else is there. You check your email 27 times today because someone might tell you that you actually are important. Or there might be something interesting you can read that you don’t actually have to get involved in.
Or you get up and clean the house because if you leave the crumbs on the counter too long the mice come. And from a distance they are cute. But never forget they are disgusting. They come out at night and take your stuff and shit in your kitchen. It’s cold outside and it’s warm in there. But too bad. It’s your house and you have a family to take care of and the mice bring the Black Plague like the rats did—so put out the traps. Put them in the cabinet where they ate your Life Savers…which is kind of funny because everyone said they like peanut butter. Set the traps with Life Savers, Gummy Bears and peanut butter and wait for the snap. It only takes 15 minutes but you hear more than a snap, but a SNAP…and clatter clatter scrape scrape…clatter clatter. And it doesn’t stop. 

For an hour it does not stop and now you can’t do anything but listen to the noise and try and figure out what happened. You don’t want to look but you have to because no one else is here to help you. Your husband is away on a business trip where someone cooks his meals and serves him breakfast and makes his bed and he calls home every day and you talk for 45 seconds. So you have to look. Behind the cabinet door the trap is sprung and has gripped the mouse by its now bloody toothpick-thin leg. It is trying its best to scamper away. But the trap gets stuck next to the Lazy Susan, making the mouse struggle so much that it pulls the skin off its leg. It has been doing this for an hour. If you pick it up it could bite you and give you the Black Plague. Even though you will probably hurt it more by picking it up, you do it anyway. You take the mouse outside next to the garage and pick up the end of the trap that is holding its ruined leg. It knows it is free and runs right next to the house and disappears around the corner. 

Now it is only a matter of time until the rest of the traps do their jobs.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Day 5

Dream analysis: 
If you dream there is a lion at one door of your Jeep, and a poisonous snake at the other—maybe you feel trapped.
If you dream of blood—someone will die.
If you dream you are driving and your baby is in the back seat and you are throwing French fries back there—you will fall out of love with your spouse.

If you dream your friend is lying on the floor asleep and when she opens her eyes there is nothing there but the burning fire of a furnace—something terrible is going to happen.